


I THINK

by crying_eggs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hallucinations, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23840692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crying_eggs/pseuds/crying_eggs
Summary: All of his life, Kozume Kenma has seen life in a very interesting way. With his friends looking like birds, bunny people, and even spirits, the strange world he lives in has become his new "normal". However, after seeing a licensed psychiatrist, he has to take medication that would crumble his perceptions of everything around him. How would it feel, to finally see your friends as human beings?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Comments: 5
Kudos: 100





	1. earthquake

**Author's Note:**

> hi !! i actually got this idea from a final i did for a class :) the story mentions getting help because i think that not enough stories about mental illness have positive connotations. however. because kenma has a mental illness, there may be graphic descriptions of everyday things. in addition to that, this chapter has a brief mention of sp*ders. thank you very much and please enjoy !

At 6 am sharp, the sky became cherry-colored. Flying eyeballs perched on top of power lines and roof tops. One of them crashed into Kenma's window, letting out a shrill shriek powerful enough to wake the young man up. Or rather cat. Trudging over to the mirror, he'd broken his neck again in his sleep; with a small huff, he cracked it back into place and began to get ready for his day. His paws scrambled for his school uniform, which was buried underneath the rest of his clothes. After finding it, he stumbled downstairs to his Mother Goose. It'd always been strange that a goose would give birth to a cat, but this was how it'd always been. His mother was a goose, and his father was an invisible man. His presence was only indicated by a floating coffee cup.   
"Good morning, Kenma-kun. Did you sleep well?"  
"Y....Yes." No. He'd had that dream again. In that dream he had strange five-fingered hands and tan skin. Usually his skin was white, furry and spotted. A calico cat. That was how he saw himself. It was how he always saw himself. In the dream, he was locked away in a dark room with nothing to eat. When the door did open, a man had a belt. He'd hit the five-fingered hairless thing over and over, saying something about being a waste of time. A stupid child. Said child had very small hands, so all Kenma could do was assume that they were very young. Why was this recurring dream so important?   
"That's very good to hear, darling. I have your medication on the table, right next to your father."  
"Medication..?" Right next to the invisible man.  
"Medication. Remember, we went to the psychiatrist last week?" Time was irrelevant. Apparently it was Tuesday.  
"Right. Um...excuse me," the young cat said, reaching for the orange bottle. Squinting, he grimaced, seeing that it was full of a spiders.   
"Give it a chance," mother goose huffed, putting the spatula down. She waddled over to him, her feathers tickling his face, "For me? Please?"  
"I'm not sure if I want to eat...s," his speech began to slur. Sighing softly, he examined those little spiders in the damned container. Their little bodies squirming made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on their ends. Why would the psychiatrist give him spiders? Right. The psychiatrist. She was an interesting being. To Kenma, she looked like a giant eyeball with a human body. How she pried and pried about how _he_ saw things was nothing short of annoying. To him, it was almost as if she wanted to _see_ the things he did. Why was she so interested? This was normal. It wasn't like he'd harm anybody. If anything, he would harm himself first.   
And he had, some time ago. Time was irrelevant. He never even knew when volleyball practice was. His best friend Kuroo always had to tell him. But the shadows that lingered in his room, the ones in the upper corners would tell him to do things. _Hurt yourself,_ they would tell him. Sometimes he would comply. Other times, he would take a slipper and throw it at absolutely nothing. All that resulted was noise and his mother checking up on him.  
"Mhmm," she replied, snapping him out of his thoughts. She honked, flipping an egg, "Eat before you're late for school. Kuroo-kun also called. He said that he wanted to walk with you to the train station today. You should take him up on that offer. In fact, he said he'll be here...that was an hour ago when he called....so in 20 minutes. Better hurry up."  
His breakfast consisted of cat food and worms. Finishing it as quickly as he could, he scrambled to get ready as fast as he could so the black cat wouldn't have to wait.   
"Hey," Goose honked, "Don't forget your meds."   
Kenma grimaced at that orange fucking bottle of spiders. Taking it from her, he opened it and felt one squirm onto his hand. His face scrunched up in utter disgust. _Why did it have to wriggle like that?_ The young cat decided that the best course of action was to drown the son of a bitch in water. When it finally stopped squirming in his mouth, he swallowed and left his tiny apartment. Once the door closed, Mother Goose became an exasperated woman, and the invisible man became nothing but a neglectful father.  
Knocking on the door of Kuroo's apartment, his mother, a dove, answered. _How could a dove give birth to a black cat?_ Either way, she called for the other young cat, and he ever so gracefully trotted out. As usual, the black cat was excited to see the calico. He rubbed his paw rather aggressively into his head, but Kenma had assumed that that was a form of affection. Since they were best friends, he'd come to the conclusion that that was fine. It was just difficult to reciprocate. Ruffling hair wasn't his thing.  
"Where's your video game?"  
" 'Goose said she wouldn't give it to me unless I took my medication."  
"You mean your mom?"  
"Sure. But my medication is fucking tarantulas, Kuroo. They won't stop squirming in my hand or in my mouth. Who wants that?"  
"Tarantulas, huh? Well, those spiders are gonna help. You'll finally see things the real way."  
"This is the real way. The sky is red. That couple over there consists of a headless man and a battery with legs. I'm a cat, you're a cat. That's the way things have been and always will be. The spiders are no good. I just take them so I can get my video game back, you know?"  
"Kenma. The sky is blue, those people are people. We are people too. _That_ is the way things have always been and will be. Just...take your tarantulas."  
"Fine," the calico replied with a huff, "But only for the video game."  
"Only for the video game." After sliding in their fares, they waited for their train to school to arrive. Kuroo looked down at him. "How's your boyfriend?"  
"Shoyo? He's great." The taller male found it amusing how one name could give Kenma that twinkle in his eye. "He's really, really great. I only get to see him on the weekends though, since Miyagi is so far."  
"Five hours, I know. You're crazy for making that work. What's he again?"  
"He's a bunny with bird wings. And he's really nice...He seemed really happy that I was taking medication. 'Guess that gives me another reason...I guess.."  
"He sounds like a good guy."  
"He is. We're going on a date this weekend. He's coming down here and I'm taking him to the Skytree. How's your girlfriend?"  
Kuroo scrunched his face in confusion.  
"Hah? Girlfriend?"  
"I saw you with a girl last week."  
"Oh? Her? We just have sex."  
A small chuckle left Kenma. "I thought it was weird you were dating nothing but a torso."  
"Yea." Kuroo chuckled too. "Dating a torso is weird. Well. Here's where we part."  
"But we have to go to sch-"  
"Gotta pay torso girl a visit. A quickie before school, if you will."  
"You're disgusting."  
The calico's perceptions were always very simple, almost childlike. His mind took personality traits and twisted them into something he could understand. For example, his mother was a goose. His father was an invisible man. A goose, to him, was a mother-like bird. His father, on the other hand, simply was never there. Hinata was a bunny with wings because he could jump. The wings came with being from Karasuno. That girl who was nothing but a torso? She was used for nothing but sex, so his brain cut out all of the important parts. If there was nothing his brain could go off of, then people would look like scary dark blobs. People like Haiba Lev scared him. He was nothing but a tall, dark blob. A tall, cruel, dark blob who spread rumors about his own boyfriend. What was Kenma supposed to do with that? How could someone combat against nothing but darkness? All in all, the boy's mind took things and twisted them in ways that he could properly process. This was the conclusion that the psychiatrist had come up with. Apparently that was why the sky was red, his teacher was a mouth, some of his classmates were eyeballs. Those eyeballs constantly observed the student with the mental illness in hopes he'll fuck up again.   
Sometimes he hated the Japanese education system for making him stand up. At times, he would be called on, stand up, and say nothing but word salad. The class would erupt in laughter. In moments like those, the class would get dark. And darker. And darker. The sky would turn black, and the world would crumble in on itself. An earthquake of unadulterated laughter and humiliation would erupt and destroy everything but his own desk. He'd see bodies, so many bodies, and then scream into his hands. And as usual, Kuroo would be called to escort him out and have a nice talk. Today was one of those days.   
"...They all _died,_ " Kenma murmured as Kuroo rubbed at his arm.   
"Died, huh?"  
"Died. Gone. Crushed in a big earthquake."  
"What if I told you that they didn't die in an earthquake?"  
"Then you'd be lying."  
"We have this conversation every time."  
Silence. The taller male continued to rub at his arm, even when a girl from his class approached him.  
"Kuroo-kun, why are you hanging out with the _crazy_ _one_?"   
Kenma's attention was grabbed. His head jerked upwards, and when he tried to talk again, his brain stressed and created nothing but word salad. Absolute nonsense. She only laughed in response, causing the taller male to sigh. It was funny, how a mindless torso could crush your spirits like that. It was funny how the world could crush your spirits like that.  
"The tarantulas aren't working. Why is everyone dead?"  
"It's only day one. 'Looked it up. What was it called...Olanzapine? Right. Anyways, 'should take a few weeks."  
"That's a strange name for a tarantula species."  
"A lot of things are strange."   
A pause between the two of them. They observed everyone else. While Kuroo saw nothing but human beings, Kenma saw walking walking beds, ducks, torsos, and the scariest of all, blobs. Blobs were absolute nothingness, and upon seeing them, the shorter male grabbed onto the black cat's sleeve. Biting at his bottom lip, he hesitantly let go. His best friend wasn't his therapist. He wasn't obligated to be his friend. Maybe deep, deep, deep down he thought he was crazy. Maybe he was his friend because he _felt bad_.   
"Don't you have to go back?"   
"I think the teach is used to this by now. I didn't come back one time and he was fine with it. We could totally ditch."  
"Ditch? And do what?"  
"Whatever you want, Ken."  
"You sure you're not using me to pick up girls? 'Don't know why you like them anyways. They don't have faces."  
"Your mom has a face. She's a girl."  
"My mom is a fucking goose."  
"And what's my mom?"  
"A dove."  
"Doves are cool. Anyways, let's take a walk. Let's leave this shithole. Besides, if you walk back into that classroom now, they're gonna crush you."  
"I didn't think....you cared..."  
" 'Course I do. We're best friends, after all."  
"Even though...I...you know..?"  
"Duh. Get up."  
Ditching wasn't something the invisible man would take too kindly. Mother Goose was a bit more lenient out of guilt of what happened. About the dream that wasn't a dream. Yet she still remained married to the invisible man, the one who wielded the weapon in the first place and wouldn't. Stop. Striking. A. Baby's. Skin. Over. And. Over. But Kenma wouldn't think of those people right now. Instead, he thought about his best friend and how the two were walking around Tokyo midday in their school uniforms. 


	2. the invisible hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From suffocation to a marriage proposal. Life's crazy like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi uhhhh the beginning is rlly heavy. that's my only warning. please enjoy ! :)

As suspected, the invisible man didn't take too kindly to the two boys being brought back home by the police. Kuroo took a scolding by his mom, and Kenma didn't cope too kindly to the spiders shoved down his throat.  
"You'll blame your 'mental illness' on this fucking stunt, you punk? Here, take all of these and you'll feel much better!" Having someone invisible hold you down was humiliating. Not being able to see your opponent and you squirming under their grasp was terrifying. Kenma felt the hand around his neck. Everything was going dark, dark, the spiders began squirming. The little 8-legged bastards clung onto his uvula as everything went dark. "Your mom isn't here to help you, shithead. I could kill you right fucking now." And knowing that was the case made him tear up. Ugly tears plopped onto the carpet, which made the invisible man apply more pressure. Soon, so soon, everything became black.  
By the time the cat woke up, the sky was black. The crescent moon had a frown on his face; it was good that they both shared emotions. And he looked down at his paws. Still a cat. Speaking of which, he didn't take his tarantulas today. They were wet to the touch, almost becoming a goo on his finger. His face scrunched. Were all of them really in his mouth? Did the invisible man really take the time to take all of them and put them back in the prescription bottle? After allowing the medicine to drown in his mouth, he laid back down. In that instant, Mother Goose opened the door.  
"Kenma-kun, darling. You've been sleeping all day. I don't want you to become lazy, come on. Up you go. And say hi to your father."  
So she didn't know a damn thing.   
"And you've got a bruise on your neck," she honked, taking him to the mirror. She was right. There was a patch of purple fur in the shape of a human hand. "What happened at school?" Her naivety would be her downfall.  
_LIE,_ the black blobs in the corners of his room said. They created webs around the two of them, tying them close together in some kind of fucked up cobweb burrito. Kenma swallowed, not liking their proximity. Only Kuroo and Hinata were allowed to be this close. Their closeness was...suffocating. Sweat dripped down his fur and onto his blankets.   
_LIE, DAMMIT! LIE, LIE, LIE, L I E ! FUCKING LIE, TELL HER SOMETHING DIFFERENT, THE TRUTH IS SOMETHING SHE WON'T BELIEVE, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BELIEVE, SHE WILL NEVER BELIEVE! SHE NEVER BELIEVES WHAT YOU THINK, SHE'S ONLY NICE TO YOU BECAUSE SHE FEEEEELSSSS BAD. FEEELS BADDDDD!_ **SHE WISHES YOU WERE NEVER BORN. YOU RIPPED HER LIFE AWAY FROM HER, SHE'S WITH THAT SHITTY MAN, ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE F U C K I N G BORN.  
_"_** I fell."  
"It looks like a h-"  
"I _fell_. Don't worry about it. I don't want you to worry about me anymore. I'm okay. I've been taking what the psychiatrist wanted."  
Once again, her naivety got the best of her. "Okay, darling," she honked. Closing the door, she let him be, allowing him once more to lie down and wallow alone in his own thoughts. He did so until his best friend texted him. Texting was funny. Sometimes he saw the words, sometimes not. Sometimes they looked like unintelligible squiggles. This time, he was lucky. He could read.  
'everything okay? i heard banging and a lot of noise.'  
'yea'  
'kenma you know you can talk to me about whatever right'  
'yea. how about you, what happened'  
'my mom yelled at me a bit. she says im grounded. school and home only.'  
'that sucks im sorry.'  
'it's okay. she doesn't know that i'll be sneaking miss torso girl in though. no quarantine will stop me.'  
'stupid.'  
'you're so mean. :('  
And the conversation ended there. The black cat was truly a great friend to have. Kenma didn't deserve someone like him. That's what the black blobs said. And for once, he agreed. He wholeheartedly agreed that he never deserved to have friends. Friends and people like Hinata. Speaking of which, he decided to text him. He didn't want to let his bunny boyfriend down or think that he didn't love him. They'd been dating for two years, and the calico couldn't ask for anyone different. His bunny boyfriend was perfect. Patient. Happy with him.   
_Put the phone down_ , the black blobs said, _he doesn't wanna talk to you.  
_"He always replies though. He seems super excited to talk to me all the time."  
_Because he feels bad.  
_"Why would he feel bad? He would've broken up with me by now if he didn't like me."  
The blobs fell silent. Kenma won...this time. Who knew the next time he would be found passed out on his bathroom floor with blood all over him. Who knew the next time that the invisible man would spit on him and leave him to die, while Mother Goose would scramble to get him to the hospital. Either way, Kenma texted Hinata.  
'can we call? it's been awhile since i've heard your voice.'  
'KENMA !!!! <3'  
'hi shoyo.'  
'yes yes let's call !! call time!!!'  
"Hi, pretty Kenma!" Hinata began. He was smiling, and his smile always brought a smile to the calico's face.   
"Hi, pretty Shoyo," he quietly replied.   
"Kenma so pretty! I miss you!"  
"I miss you more...I'm excited for our Skytree date. Do you have enough money for the bus to get here?"  
"Yes! I've been working hard, so I have enough money for the bus, dinner, a-"  
"You don't plan to pay for dinner. Dinner's my treat."  
"Nope! Dinner's my treat! Time to spoil my pretty Kenma!"  
One thing that Kenma loved most about his Shoyo was that he knew what to say and what not to say. Perhaps it was good intuition, but throughout the call, Hinata didn't mention the bruise. The bruise would've been awkward to talk about. But he knew that his bunny wasn't stupid. Every time he picked his calico up, he had a protective aura. He'd always give the invisible man a look nothing short of homicidal.   
"Hey, Kenma. Hey. Guess what?"  
"What?" A smile.  
"I love you. Sleep well. I know you have chronic insomnia, but sleep well still. And have the bestest dreams."  
"I love you too, Shoyo. And I will, just for you. It's getting late. Have a safe bike ride home. Make sure to look behind you, you know..."  
"I will, I will!" A giggle as he slid his jacket on. "Okay, I can't bike and call. So I'll call you tomorrow?"  
"I'm excited."  
"One more thing, pretty Kenma."  
"What?"  
"Will you marry me when we get older, and when you feel better? You feeling better is really important."  
"...Yes."  
He really was the one for him. He smiled into his blankets.  
"Goodnight."  
"Goodnight." 


	3. tooth fairy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why won't you listen to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi uh this depicts violence amoungst students and japan's blatant disregard for mental health. hate it here.

Chronic insomnia kicked his ass. Our protagonist woke up and admired himself in the mirror. There was still the blackish-purple patch of fur on his neck. That would definitely cause more whispers, as well as the breakdown he had the day before. Right. That was all yesterday. Yesterday felt like years ago. As expected, he scrambled for his school uniform, took his tarantula, and went to get breakfast. While he couldn't see the invisible man, he could feel the tension between them from what happened the day prior. Anyone would. The only thing indicating his existence was a floating coffee cup, and knowing that he was there made his hairs stand on their ends.  
"Good morning, Kenma-kun," Mother Goose honked, "Don't forget to take your meds!" Her eyes trailed down to the invisible man.   
_She wants me to greet him_ , he thought to himself. He pretended not to know what she meant and sat down. Breakfast today was wet cat food. He couldn't complain.  
"Okay," was his only reply. While he ate, his mind ran through the long year that was yesterday. Taking medication, going to school, the earthquake, getting choked by the invisible man, teasing kuroo, and lastly, the proposal. Proposal...Skytree. Their date was this weekend. Shit, he forgot to ask for permission. Seeing that he had five minutes before he had to leave, he decided to ask.  
"Can I....go to the Skytree this weekend?"  
"Why?" she said, cleaning up breakfast.  
"I want to take my friend Shoyo there. He's from Miyagi and never seen it before."  
"I don't see w-"  
"No," the invisible man replied, putting his coffee cup down. Kenma's hair stood on its ends, and he gently tapped his own paws against the coffee mug. His father spoke again. "I don't want you going anywhere until you're properly medicated."  
"How considerate, darling. You could get lost, Kenma-kun. Can you stay home this weekend?"   
"Sure."   
As Mother Goose waddled over to get the laundry, the invisible man pulled Kenma close. Uncomfortably close. The calico didn't even know where to look. Something always made you feel helpless when you couldn't even see your opponent. Despite that, he could _feel_ him. His grip. His tone. His spit fly onto his fur. All of those things were terrifying. They terrified him each time. It was terrifying when his mother wasn't around.  
"I don't want you spreading your fucking crazy bullshit to the city. You 'see things'? You're scared? My parents treated me worse than this, you little cunt. I'll show you trauma."  
"I'm sorry," he choked out.  
"Take your fucking pills so you can stop begging for attention."  
"I am. I'm sorry."   
And with that, the invisible man let go. Mother Goose waddled back into the kitchen and served her husband more breakfast.  
"Sweetheart, you should get going or else you'll be late. Oh, and please stay the entire day."  
The calico tried his best to smile and left. Kuroo looked down at Kenma.  
"What's up? You're more quiet than usual."  
"Nothing."  
"Bullshit. Talk to me."  
"...My parents said that I can't go to the Skytree this weekend with Shoyo. I'm really disappointed."  
"I'm s-"  
"Which is why I'm sneaking out."  
"Kenma, are you sure that's a good idea?"  
"I know it's not. And I know this is a lot to ask, but could you come with me?"  
"I'm grounded, but sure. It'll be a little adventure."  
"And one more thing. Can you make sure _I don't spread my crazy to the rest of Tokyo?_ "  
Kuroo looked absolutely dumbfounded. The black cat had a very general idea of what his homelife was like. From the things he heard through the walls, the way his best friend behaved, to the way his parents looked. Where he lived wasn't a good place, but unfortunately, it wasn't his place to intervene. That's what he and his mother agreed on. "Kenma, your condition isn't contagious."  
The smaller male's face scrunched up in disgust as Kuroo's began to melt off. It began to melt onto the ground, revealing nothing but a dark blob. His words became deep-pitched nonsense; his brain couldn't handle what his friend was saying. While it was true, his brain refused to accept that. Kuroo was dying, in Kenma's eyes. The calico watched as the black cat melted into the pavement.  
"You okay? You look really pale."  
"Y...You're dead...You're dead!"  
"Hey. Hey, listen to me. You're alive. I'm alive. Your condition isn't contagious." Calming him down would take awhile.   
As expected, they parted ways. Whispers ran about the hallways. _I'm sure it was just a stunt_ , some of the girls would say. _He's begging for attention. There's no way someone is that messed up in the head. But what if he was? Then that's a sad excuse for a human being. I heard that if you're really seeing stuff like that, it means your home isn't very good. Messed up childhood or something like that._ A true statement. One so bad that he couldn't even remember. His first memory was one from when he was twelve. It was when he had applied for the volleyball club. Everything else was a blur. _Look at him and tell me that he looks healthy. Look at him. He's slouching. He hasn't moved in forever._  
There were times Kenma would be catatonic. Still. If you disturbed him, he would get visibly agitated. Depending on how much you disturbed him, he'd throw a tantrum. The longest he'd been still was 3 whole days. Without food or water. Without using the bathroom. He'd spent all of that time staring at his bedroom wall. 12 missed calls from Hinata. 20 missed calls from Kuroo. Kuroo was refused at the door by Mother Goose. Mother Goose said that, "Kenma-kun was having a really hard time". As of right now, he'd been still at his desk for 20 minutes. Staring at the board. Blinking when he had to, when he needed to. _That's right. He was doing everything that he had to. Nothing he wanted to._ His thoughts were disrupted by a classmate slamming his head into the desk so hard his nose began to bleed.   
"Ugh-" he gasped for air, tasting the blood in his mouth. Before he was going to throw a tantrum, his head was pushed further into the desk.  
"He can move!" The class burst into laughter. How humiliating, how embarrassing, you idiot, of course you had to be like this. He was sinking into the desk. Everything hurt, it hurt so bad that all he could do was cry. But if he let out a noise, everyone would laugh harder. A cruel world. "What's this about an earthquake I heard about yesterday, you fucking nut?"  
No answer. If he spoke, he would be further humiliated and possibly injured.   
"Speak when you're spoken to, you fucking psycho!" Kenma was jerked upwards by his hair. All he could see was a rooster holding him up with his feathers.   
"Chicken..." he quietly replied. In response, the rooster's feathers puffed in an unprecedented anger. He slammed the calico's face back onto the desk. And. Wouldn't. Stop. He spat out a tooth, which ran away on its own. What was the point? Why did he do that?   
"Shit head. You still think I'm a chicken?" His classmate jerked Kenma once again and showed the rest of the students his bloody face. Seeing his skin all puffy like that seemed to amuse everyone else. Their shrieks of laughter penetrated his ears and ripped his brain to shreds. It was mush. A pathetic lump of tissue that sloshed in his fucked up head. All he could do at this point was cry, his tears only gaining a roar of laughter.   
In these scenarios, teachers always arrived too late. This was no exception; their teacher's incompetence made the calico's tears drip faster whilst he was held in the rooster's grasp.   
"Put him down. Kozume-kun, you're coming with me." His teacher was a lamp post, despite not being very bright. Sliding the door behind them, he sighed softly. "What did you do?"  
"What did I do?"  
"He doesn't act out like that. Listen, your little stunt yesterday wasn't acceptable."  
"My stunt?"  
"You've been disrupting my class since the beginning of the year. Why do you continue to do that? Do I need to call your parents?"  
For the first time, the blobs appeared above the teacher's head. They usually stayed in the upper corners of his bedroom next to the cobwebs, so why? _He thinks this is your fault. And you know what, he's right. He's right that you keep disrupting your fucking class. You don't even care about school._  
"I don't care," he replied, sniffling as more blood ran down his nose and onto the floor.  
"With an attitude like that, you won't get very far. These stunts and that attitude? You'll end up in the streets or dead. You keep screaming and saying all of this bullshit. Do you not get enough attention at home? Relationship issues? Tell me, why do you keep acting like this?" No one listened to him. No one would ever listen to him. No one would ever take the fucking time to let him explain, or at least try to explain, what the fuck was going on in his head. It was in this moment that Kozume Kenma realized that the world he lived in was truly a cruel one. Maybe he'd just die before he turned 18.


	4. shibari.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you've bound me to the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! um i apologize for going MIA for a bit. i'm kinda going thru it rn, shit's just crazy in my life!!! aaa!! either way thank you for the support i appreciate it. please enjoy!

A few days had passed since losing one of his teeth. Fortunately for him, the tooth wasn't a very obvious one, so it was nothing that Mother Goose would ever know or worry about. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Skytree date with Hinata. Kenma had checked with his boyfriend to see if they were still on for the day. At the time, the orange-haired male was on the bus. One more hour and he'd be in Tokyo. The last step was to make sure that Kuroo was still free; as expected, he was. Peeking out of his bedroom door, he saw Mother Goose and the invisible man, his presence only indicated by a floating mug.   
He'd always been taught to never slam doors. Slamming doors was a sign of disrespect and aggression, and those two concepts lead to punishment. Closing the door ever so gently, he looked around. There was the window; due to them being on the second floor, climbing down wouldn't be easy. Any sign of noise and he'd be in big trouble. To make matters even worse, his window was next to his parents'. If they decided that they needed air, they could simply open the window and look to their right. What they would find was their calico son trying to sneak out to take his boyfriend on a date (their calico son who wasn't even out to them yet).   
In conclusion, the sneak-out operation needed to be done correctly and concisely. Chaos would ensue otherwise. Step one: lock the door and place a barricade against it just in case his parents wanted in. He doubted they did. Due to his occasional catatonic states, his parents wouldn't be surprised if he didn't come out of his room all day. But the barricade was just in case they were suspicious. Kenma and Kuroo had established that they meet in five minutes. Opening the window, he peered at the ground below him. 26 feet (7.92 meters). A lethal fall was 40 feet (12.19 meters). Regardless, if he slipped, he wouldn't be able to go on his date.   
Rope. Rope was important. But who had rope lying around in their bedroom? The next alternative was to hastily tie a bunch of shirts together and tie that to a piece of furniture. He chose to tie a bunch of shirts to a cabinet knob (but had to stop a few times because the invisible man decided to smoke a cigarette) and slide down that way.   
"Easy, Kenma," he told himself, slowing climbing down his house. However, he pulled too hard, causing the cabinet to fall over and him too. Luckily, nothing was broken, but the noise was enough to irritate the invisible man. The calico, in a panic, left the rope hanging out of the window and ran off as fast as he could. His father, meanwhile, kicked at his door.  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"   
Mistake number 2.   
As agreed, the two cats met at the train station.   
"I'm surprised you managed to get out."  
"It took a bunch of shirts, a cabinet, and falling like five feet."  
"Shirts probably would've been smart."  
"Did you fucking jump-"  
"A magician never reveals his secrets!" An obnoxious laugh. "And your boyfriend's on his way?"  
"Yup."  
On the train, the pitch black train, there was the chance to meet the most interesting people. It wasn't unusual on Saturdays like this, with a bright red cherry sky for the car to be jam-packed; Kuroo and Kenma were lucky to even be able to get seats. But in the silence and occasional glints of light, you can observe people of all looks and personalities. For example, the sleazebag of a businessman standing in front of the two students. In Kenma's mind, he was a demon in a suit who harassed school girls. Not a demon with horns and a tail, no, more like a being with multiple eyes, arms, and an ever-so elongated neck that allowed him to look at all of the young women on the train. Truly a predator.   
"Can you stop touching them?" Kuroo blatantly asked. Shit like this happened all of the time.  
"Or else what, you punk? Don't you know to respect your elders?"  
"Age doesn't matter when it comes to beating your ass. Stop touching them."   
The two didn't want to make a scene, so he stopped, and the black cat backed off. Kenma simply stayed quiet and observed other people on the train. There was a large skeleton who could barely fit in the train; they remained in a fetal position in an attempt to fit all of their body in the car. Clearly this irritated other occupants. A schoolgirl sat in her seat, swinging her legs back and forth. With each swing, she would change forms between monster and human, her face becoming grotesque and sliding into her delicate and cupped hands. With another swing, the gloop in her hands slid upwards and back where it needed to be. In addition to that, with each leg swing, her clothes would melt off and then repair themselves. So she was a deceptive one. It felt awkward to stare at a naked monster, so he stopped and continued to mind his own business.   
Two stops before theirs, the business man left. He gave Kuroo a look, which pushed him to give one back.  
"Fucking sleazebag."  
"So many weir...on the train..." Kenma's words began to slur again. Shaking his head, the two got off at their stop. A familiar figure jumped up and down as high as he could and ran towards them. Eventually, it jumped into the calico's arms, causing him to bury his nose in his fur. The bunny with wings. Hinata Shoyo himself.  
"Pretty Kenma! And his friend!"  
"Mhmm...Pretty Shoyo...I missed you so much."  
"I missed you more. Where did that bruise come from?"  
"Bruise?"  
"On your cheek."  
_From falling down the window.  
_"Volleyball."  
"So you're getting more passionate about it, I see, I see! I told you you'd like it!"  
A tiny grin from him. He ruffled at his boyfriend's hair again, continuing to cradle him for some time before letting him down.   
"How was the trip, shorty?" Kuroo asked, his hands in his pockets.  
"I told you to stop calling me that!"  
"Shor-ty!" A mischievous grin.   
"It wasn't bad. 5 hours is a long time though, but at least I got a nice nap in. How was the train?"  
"The train was....interesting. It's the train."  
While the three of them were having the time of their lives in the city, Mother Goose sensed something was wrong. Worriedly honking for her son, she tried opening his door. Locked. This very situation reminded her of _the time_. The time when she had to desperately jiggle at the lock and scream out to someone who wasn't conscious. When she did manage to burst the door open with her shoulder, her son laid there, bathing in a pool of his own blood. Holding his head in her arm, all he did was give her a kind smile. Whether or not this was because he was found, happy, tired, or any other reason, she would never forget the ambulance ride to the hospital and how tightly she'd gripped onto his hand. She'd never forget the lullaby she hummed to bring him to ease. The lullaby that kept his heart calm whilst the paramedic attempted to keep the bleeding under control.  
The locked door reminded her of that time, as well as the barricade. First things first, she didn't want to make a scene. Ever so carefully waddling to the kitchen, she fumbled through their cabinets looking for something. Something metallic. The key, the skeleton key that had access to all of their bedroom doors. She'd never told her husband about this in fears that he would harass their soon with his new-found power. Turning the knob, the door loosened. Although it wasn't opening.   
"Kenma-kun?" she worriedly asked, her voice trembling. "Are you okay?"  
No answer. He wasn't home. But she wasn't aware. She forbade him from going on that rendezvous today. All because her husband said some fucked up bullshit about him being contagious or unstable due to his medication, as if he hadn't "caused problems" for them before.  
"Kenma-kun, are you mad? We just wanted to look out for you, darling. I hope you're also taking your medication, you know. You don't have to barricade yourself like this," she said, grunting as she slowly began to move the various pieces of furniture that were in the way. That took about an hour, that and trying to be as discreet as possible. Her husband was busy smoking a cigarette in their room, and he wasn't one to be disturbed when smoking his cigarette. The main thing was to be quiet, and he wouldn't yell or complain.   
Finally, the door opened. Seeing the state of the room, cabinet fallen over, rope outside the window and all, she peered over to make sure there wasn't a body dangling from it. So there was the possibility he was alive. Swallowing her pride, she anxiously burst in her room and interrupted her husband's smoke break.  
"Darling?"


	5. gonna love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why does it hurt so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been really going through it yet again are we surprised? no. anyway ACAB and if u disagree i will curbstomp you.

Life was a blueprint. Certain situations always repeated themselves like Mondays on a calendar. How fucking careless. Similar to the Monday blues, whenever Kenma made a mistake, he'd get a beating. The same words were said. Something about being worthless, a disgrace to the world, a faggot*, more things about how he'd allow the government to crumble. And much to the calico's luck, a few grave mistakes had been made. Kenma had realized this much too late, when him and his best friend returned to their apartment complex. To begin, the shirt ladder was gone, which meant that he would have to waltz on in at 2 in the morning. He was a fool to believe that him sneaking out would run smoothly in the first place, and to rope his friend into it? Even more stupid. His brain began to run at 2 million miles an hour, the stress warping the world around him. Everything was twisting around him. He wanted to puke--puke he did. Kuroo rubbed ever so gently at his back.  
"I knew this ran too smoothly," the black cat muttered, "Come on. You can stay the night at my house if you want." At least at his house, he wouldn't be beaten to death whilst his mother watched. At the same time, his presence would be imposing. Imposing was impolite and nothing short of embarrassing.   
"S'okay," he slurred, struggling to stand. Once he got his bearings, he headed to the door. The two hugged before heading into both of their houses respectively. Kenma's door was slightly ajar. Seeing this made adrenaline course through his veins. He wanted to vomit yet again, but that would certainly warrant a violent scolding from his father. Softly shutting the door, he prepared himself for the worst.  
"Welcome home," his mother softly cooed, wiping at her face with her feathers. The calico simply hung his head between his shoulders. His tail and ears drooped to the ground.  
"C'mere, shithead," his father, an unseen force said, grabbing his by the ears. He began to viciously poke at his chest and flick at his forehead, "When I fucking say to stay home, you stay home, got it?! You fucking worried your mother, she thought you fucking killed yourself! Fucking dumbass, do you understand?! Not to mention, you probably spread your disease to all of Tokyo, and it's all your fault! Do you want to have the _government_ on your ass?!"  
The government? Paranoia began to course through Kenma's veins. It was all his fault, everything was his fault. He was a selfish little bastard for going on that date with Hinata. Even though the three of them enjoyed Tokyo to its fullest and even had some drinks at the end of the night, it wasn't worth being touched like this. The flicking, the poking. He felt like a dead animal, and his dad was the curious little kid in the worst of ways. He was sick, he knew that much. But if he had a disease, why wasn't it cured? Wasn't it their responsibility as his parents?  
While he was being probed by that sharp finger, Mother Goose simply averted her eyes. She'd already told him to ease up on him, but that obviously was thrown out the window. She decided it was best to comfort her son after. Her husband wasn't someone to be reckoned with. Over all of the shouting, she thought of a time. When they were younger, still dating. The two moved in together when they were 15 and in ever-so-dumb love. A year later, after endless sex and a lack of education, they ended up pregnant with Kenma. A child was never easy to raise, the two knew that much, but something about the invisible man's family and his rough childhood made him despise him. Kenma was minutes into the world, at his most vulnerable, crying out for his mother and her love, and his father already despised him. He was his son. He was his father. Something about that ball of flesh feeding off of his wife's breast made his face ever so subtly crinkle into one of utter repulsion. Did he want to be that child instead?  
_WHAP!  
_His belt slithered out of its damned loop prison. It made contact upon the boy's spotted fur, causing him to yowl out and beg for the woman who would always let him go. Tears plopped out of those feline eyes. Upon the realization that Mother Goose would never go against her darling's wishes, his eyes became half lidded, filled to the brim with exhaustion and hopelessness. They expressed themselves in forms of quiet. Silence was the strongest form of expression. Silence was also violence. Her choice to leave her son to dangle and possibly die was nothing short of cruel. She was sadistic.   
Furniture crashed and its sounds resounded throughout the complex. Kuroo's ears twitched, as well as his body at the sound of chaos. A curdling scream clawed at the walls until her nails bled. Without a doubt, it was his best friend.   
"Tetsurou! That's not our business-" his mother insisted, but it was too late. The black cat had already leapt into action. Kenma couldn't remember the rest. All he knew was that the pain stopped. The belt was back in a loop. Blue and red flashed outside of his home, and now his bed was....moving? A gurney. Something about...internal bleeding...stitches. Yelling. Lots of yelling. He jolted awake, looking around. God, everything was a blur. A blur and squiggly. His bed had...tentacles and eyes. They would move around and hold him down whenever he tried to move. But he couldn't scream for help, for his vocal cords were running away into the sunset. They intertwined, holding hands and pranced out of the hospital room. Even the wall was watching him, its pupils jolting around in excitement. From the way his chest rose and fell with his breathing to his Adam's apple bobbing downwards with the overload of saliva in his mouth, the wall's eyes remained open. It was watching. Everyone was watching, but he couldn't move.   
Someone was sitting on his chest. Looking up, a red woman, pumping and coursing with blood looked down at him. She smiled kindly, and his lungs shriveled up inside of him. Her hair was made up of blue and red strands, pulsating. Pumping. _Circulating_. Was this..a panic attack? Everything was going and going and going and speeding and never ending, god, he wanted to die. This was demeaning, he was less than a cat at this point. But his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar feminine voice. Feathers engulfed his being. They weren't comfort. They weren't home. They weren't motherly love. Not anymore. They were guilt. Guilt and apologies that would never be true. That was when he decided, in this white room where everyone was watching—Mother Goose, walls, bed, heart monitor—he decided to make one thing clear:   
He wasn't going to take his spiders anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * i am attracted to people of the same sex. don't come for me.


	6. empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things would be different. they had to. he didn't know much longer he could take it.

As time passed, the squirming spiders in their orange prison died one by one and crumbled into dust. Typically, death to arachnids would be a good thing. Instead, they caused anxiety, vomiting, balance loss, migraines, and an intensity of hallucinations that seemed a little too real. After releasing his vomit into the toilet, Kenma glanced at himself in the mirror. Same cat. Just as miserable. Just as out of touch with the “real world” as he was from the beginning. His chest throbbed in pain, enough to make those pretty little tears plop from his feline eyes. But it’s what he’s deserved. He’d deserved this mental illness just for being born. He was a disgusting little freak who deserved nothing less. 

The invisible man spared him his stabbing words and belt lashings. His spotted fur thanked him for his mercy. Once he lifted his shirt, he was able to see bruises in his once pretty fur. Everything was ugly. Everything was so ugly. His face. His body. His house. His friends. The world that was once so kind to him was now nothing but a fucking ugly monster. Kenma pulled his lips into a slanted frown at the thought of “beauty”. What was “beauty” anyway? 

Shoyo was beauty. His Shoyo was beauty, the definition of beauty. Thinking of the man he wanted to marry put him in a slightly euphoric state. They’d walk down the aisle and kiss each other ever so delicately. He tied his tie as such: delicately. After eating his cat food, he waited for Kuroo to finish getting ready. Once the black cat saw his best friend, his face scrunched in concern at the patches of purple, black, and yellow on his fur. They still hadn’t gone away from the incident. The calico had always been a slow healer. Physically and mentally. 

“Are you ready?” Kuroo asked, slinging his backpack over his shoulders. His friend nodded in response. His paw clung to his arm. He was...nervous about something. If only he’d known he’d stopped taking his medication. Maybe things would be different. 

But nothing was different. Once they arrived in their respective classrooms, Kenma’s desk was destroyed. Disgusting squiggles littered the wood, the way they moved and hopped off and began to walk was disgusting. Terrifying. It made the hairs on his arched back crawl. 

“CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!” they squealed. He furrowed his brows. His paws touched each other repeatedly. Gently. Something about a grounding exercise, he’d heard from the psychiatrist. His classmates watched in astonishment as he stood, his face contorting in fear at what they’d written the days before. 

_ CRAZY. _

_ STUPID. _

_ DISGUSTING.  _

_ PSYCH WARD. _

_ WHORE. _

_ FAGGOT.  _

Who would want to live a life like this? 

“Kozume. Please sit,” his teacher advised, gesturing to his assigned seat. 

“I can’t,” he mumbled, gesturing at his desk, “They’re moving.”

“Nothing’s moving. Please sit, or else I’ll have to contact your parents. You’re already a constant disruption.”

“Sit, Kozume,” one of his classmates teased. He jerked him downwards. The calico scrunched his face more, allowing tears to finally plop onto the words on his desk. They squealed in pain. 

_ What happened next?  _

Kuroo was sitting outside with him. When he tried to move, he gently kept his head on his shoulder. They were holding hands. Just like best friends did. 

“Talk to me,” the black cat said whilst looking at the pink sky. 

“Squiggly words,” the calico slurred. His voice trailed off. 

“Squiggly words, huh? Are you...Taking your meds, Kenma?”

“Meds..?”

“Sorry. Spiders. Are you taking those?” The world seemed to come to a standstill. Once he looked up, the sky became a pitch black. Everyone that minded their business now peered into Kenma’s being. His back hairs stood on their ends.They were listening. Everyone was listening. The government was listening. Oh god, his disease spread to the government,  _ everyone was going to die, just like the invisible man said- _ “Kenma.”

“Mm?”

“Are you taking your spiders? I think you’re getting worse, and it worries me as your friend.”

Kuroo deserved nothing but the best. He was a genuinely kind person, someone who cared about a lunatic like him. So, this is where the protagonist had to decide between the horrible truth and a beautiful lie. Wasn’t life a beautiful lie? 

“No. Spiders cause pain.” They were going to die anyway. Why lie?

“How do they cause pain?”

Kenma took a tiny breath. He pressed his paws together and tried to breathe.

_ Keep calm.  _

“Mother Goose and the Invisible Man hurt me when I take my spiders. Sometimes I think that I was just meant to see the world for what it really is.”

“You mean your parents?”

Kenma blinked twice. “I don’t have parents.” And he meant that with every fiber of his being.

Kuroo never judged him. From what he heard through the wall, he knew for certain they didn’t deserve to be parents. His eyelids drooped as he looked at their shoes. They touched toes. “Is what you see reality?” 

“I think so.” He calmed. The hairs on his back calmed. 

“Well....did you know that the sky is blue?”

“I’ve never seen a blue sky.”

“Wouldn’t it be nice to?”

Blue was always a calming color. Not the black, red, or orange sky he always saw. For once...it would be nice to be calm. It would be nice to see the world a little differently, even if it was a complete lie. “I guess.”

“Take your spider bottle to school tomorrow. I want to see you take it. No fakes.” Kenma’s face scrunched at the thought. His ears flopped, and his tail that had been swishing ever so carelessly dropped to the ground like a dead weight. “Understand? No fakes.”

“No fakes,” he repeated. Things would be different. They had to. He didn’t know how much longer he could take it.


	7. ultralight beam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> somewhere i can feel safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end :) i hope u liked this and thank u all for ur support

Everyday was Groundhog Day. Kenma woke up, put on his uniform, ate breakfast, grabbed his spider bottle, and left. Today, he decided to peer into its orange hue with a slight squint. The spiders stopped moving. Overnight, someone replaced them with tablets. Tablets that tasted bitter when they made contact with his taste buds. 

His world was changing by the minute. After shaking the pill bottle to hear its sound, the boy looked up at the sky.

“It’s pretty, right?”

“Kuroo…”

“The sky’s been blue the entire time. I like blue more than orange. What about you?”

“Blue is a nice color,” he mumbled, looking down at his paws. They were a tan color; he looked more like a Sphynx cat than anything. All wrinkly and ugly. But things were better this way; people were starting to look like people. Sitting down in class was becoming easier. The voices in his head quieted, their screams becoming whispers. Things became better by the minute. Alas, he was able to sit in class. 

“The boy went to the store,” he read aloud in English. Eyes remained glued to him as he stood. It made his hairless tail twitch in pure nervousness. There were snickers here and there. If he still had his fur, the hairs on his back would be standing straight up like a cactus, so sharp that you’d bleed if you tried touching him. Then again, who would want to do that? When he finished his assigned paragraph, he took a seat and twiddled his thumbs together. 

Everything looked so blurry.  _ Was this the transition between his world and reality? What was reality anyway?  _ He raised a brow at the thought. Everything had a silver lining. The class didn’t shift; there weren’t any earthquakes that scared him. All remained still. Kuroo, in all honesty, was both surprised and pleased that he had the chance to stay in his class. Kenma made progress, something to be very proud of. Things meshed peacefully, similar to some satisfying puzzle. Slowly, but surely. 

Of course, life wouldn’t let Kenma off the hook like that. His parents became visible, two sad older people that made his skin crawl. Seeing them for the first time made him uneasy as ever. His father sometimes taunted him. Sometimes he got physical. Mother Goose did nothing. Some things never changed. 

Kenma did his best. That’s what counted. From here, he’d go to therapy on his own, using his own money that he would start saving up for. Help was what he deserved. It’s what he needed ever so desperately; regardless of what he told himself, he wanted to live. He wanted to marry his Shoyo. Kuroo would be his best man at his wedding. He wanted to look into Shoyo’s big brown eyes and tell him the following words:

“ _ I do.” _

And every day, he looked at his husband with nothing but admiration. 

_ Things will get better, I think.  _


End file.
